Tomorrow is my 1st anniversary mammogram. Only half the discomfort is the bright side. But there are many downsides:
1. I no longer have my protective/defensive shield of Land of Denial. I can’t reach the damned thing. So I’m not turning up numbed to the experience with that just-get-on-with-it mentality.
2. I hate mammograms. They are heartless torture and torment.
3. I can’t leave and think little about it till I get the expected letter saying I’m ok for the next three years, or in this case 12 months. I’ve never had the heart-sinking moment of reading a callback letter so I’m ill-prepared for a protracted and anxious wait.
4. A quick response could be a call-back. Yes, it could just be a quick response but I’m conscious of the realities now. It’s going to be as bad receiving that unopened letter as it is having a one-boob mammogram.
5. Call-back is very common in these circumstances - they don’t let the slightest speck of dust remain uninvestigated. I know this. It doesn’t make it any easier if I do get called back. Every time the phone rings, every time a letter comes through the door, I’ll be feeling slightly nauseous.
6. Logic tells me nothing could withstand the onslaught of chemotherapy that treated my whole body, not just the area of cancer. The chances of a cancer developing in my other breast are small anyway. Logic is currently a tiny voice in a (slight) mess of anxiety.
7. My ‘heavily node-positive’ armpit puts me at much greater risk of a recurrence. I can’t even say it’s too early for that. What will be, will be. Thus speaks my common sense. WHAT IF...? screams my emotions.
Conclusion. There’s nothing to do but grit my teeth and hope for a swift letter that says all clear. Easily said, less easily done. I confess, I am a bit scared and it’s harder than a year ago when I had a lot to be scared of.
No comments:
Post a Comment