261. No Satisfaction in Being Unique

 OK, so here’s the picture:

CT scan clear - no evidence of spread to other organs

Blood markers 18 - 28 - 26. Hopefully the next measure will show a similar figure or a drop. A plateau will be good; a drop will be great; a rise will be concerning, even though the numbers are only a rough guide and are still within the normal range. Maybe I had some inflammation somewhere.

Tumour marker 7 - 9 - 11. Slow increase in line with the MRI result.

MRI shows “a small progression” of 2mm. It does sound small but I saw the tumour on screen and it’s only about 2cm (let’s face it, there’s not much space for more). So that makes it a 10% increase. I came away quite reassured but now it’s set me thinking. 2mm in 4 months, 2mm in the previous 6 months. It definitely is a progression and matches the tumour marker, 

So I’m to carry on with cape. More fatigue, more crackly throat, more constirrhoea (that’s the inflammation). Maybe one day I’ll treat you to a treatise on the occurrence and management of diarrhoea in the capecitabine cycle. What a treat!

I guess I have to pluck up the courage to ask more about this effing tumour but really they don’t know because they’ve not seen if before. There is no satisfaction in being unique! I did ask what was likely to happen with the tumour and got a strange response. I asked would it spread across my eyelid and affect my sight - no. Was it likely to grow across the inside of my nose - no. Would it grow outwards, like Elephant Man (I shouldn’t have joked, I know) - no. Was it likely to grow towards the brain - hmmm. A strangely non-committal no. 

What puzzles me is how I stay so calm about it. It’s really like it’s happening to someone else. Dissociation maybe but it works. So far. The fact is, it’s pretty miraculous that capecitabine has worked for so long. It can work for years with other types of metastatic breast cancer, but not for triple negative. So, again, I’m not fitting their usual model.

How I wish I had some idea of what lies ahead!! And if it’s that important, why haven’t I updated my will etc? The book I bought - What To Do When I Die - is practical and helpful but it’s American and although I can replace Attorney with Solicitor, it’s a pain having to anglicise the contents. And I have no desire to dictate my funeral wishes!!! I’ll let Dennis decide and if he wants to play Let Their Be Drums or something by Neil Young, fair dos. Could be fun. So long as he doesn’t play Richard Thompson or Alex Chiltern. I could never warm to them.

I did buy a nice book to leave behind though - The Book of Me. It makes you reflect on a lot of stuff so I’m working my way through the bits I like! 

Maybe a bit of a morbid read? Oh, the best bit. I nearly forgot. I took D to the doctors to get his hearing checked (ok, to talk about the stresses of caring for me - but D didn’t know that). When he came out he said Dr T had been a bit of a Job’s Comforter. Apparently he told my poor husband “It’s only going to get worse.” Hmm, that wasn’t quite the plan. BUT D has definitely been less morose and he is planning on making some music compilations so that’s progress. Meantime, I’ve been out for lunch and enjoyed brunch on Saturday, sitting outside because Anne had a dog with her. I seemed to me that the only breed of dog around was cockapoos! Bear is lovely, which is a real accolade from me as I’m not a dog person. I’m still craving a lap cat!!