199. Oh well...

 

I just thought I’d start with something cheerful (not) to give you an idea of how we are being encroached on. No excuse for the patio apart from 1. It’s useless as a patio as it is waterlogged from underneath, thanks to the changed water courses on the construction site. Water just bubbles up and covers several slabs 2. I can’t grasp a weed to pull it up so I’ve done nothing 3. Dennis has his work cut out mowing the lawn and breaking lawnmowers 4. We’ve lost heart - and I think many people would. This is how it was when my cancer story began: 

So, back to my cancer story. Yesterday I waited till 2pm for my 10.30 telephone consultation. Despite being added to Dr U’s list, I had yet another unfamiliar oncologist, a Dr S, who was willing to answer all my questions. It seems some of the referrals have been made (the various departments communicate by letter - can you believe it??) but some have not, being left as draft letters in my file. So she needed to get back to Dr U to find out if this was deliberate or not. I suspect not. She did say she would email each of the departments to back up the letters but she contradicted Dr U who believed Neurology wasn’t a good idea. She thinks a referral to Neurology is essential. I pointed out that Dr D referred me in December, the same time as she referred me for an MRI in preparation for my appointment with a neurologist. When this new doctor asked how that had gone, I was able to say I never heard a peep from them. So, if she’s putting any hope in a referral to Neurology, I’m not.

If I sound down-hearted, it’s because I am. Having asked all my questions, the summary is that, having had side effects x,y and z for so long, I should regard the side effects as ‘probably permanent’ as they should have gone by now. This includes: 

1. One numb arm from the elbow upwards and a tendency for an unreachable itch... for the duration.

2. Two very tender breast muscles above and below my scar, on two ribs, caused by radiotherapy but, she says, also likely to be the consequence of major surgery (so why didn't I get the pain till 10 months after surgery? I didn’t bother asking) so...for the duration.

3. Two very painful hands requiring daily exercise... for the duration.

4. Two very painful feet

5. Two painful knees. 4 & 5 will depend on how I get on with a physio (if I ever get to see one. Telephone diagnoses seem rather harder when it comes to physiotherapy)

6. Loss of muscle strength on the right side, with dropped eyebrow, droopy eyelid (looking quite pert while the other one has its own un-cancer-related problem), reduced internal muscle action and one incredibly droopy upper lip when I am tired...depends on Neurology. For that, read for the duration.

7. Tingling fingers, toes and lips...for the duration. 

8. I forgot to mention difficulties swallowing and dry mouth/throat so I’ve no idea about that.

She told me I am one of a very few unfortunate women to be so adversely affected. Like that was going to cheer me up. Hey guys, I’m rare, if not unique!

Dennis and I had a long conversation about where we go from here. I do wish I could cry with frustration as I don’t seem to accept her diagnosis. NO-ONE HAS SEEN ME IN PERSON. I won’t accept that a life of frailty lies ahead as a result of effing cancer treatment. It’s not even the cancer. It’s the treatments! I can’t imagine not swanning about sporting the latest Jigsaw but I’d have to drop at least 2 stone to revert to that, be able to trust my feet and knees to support me, be sure I wasn't going to trip over my own feet while walking and generally feel good about myself.  Am I going to have a future of elasticated waists, flat Hotter shoes (with orthotics of course) and Damart outer wear?

Mammogram on the 15th. No wriggling out of that but, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,  she did say I was ‘very unlikely’ to get a cancer in that breast. I’m not even going to think of the unasked questions.