231. How big is the tablet??

 I think I may have flummoxed my oncologist. He was kindly explaining everything they’ve discovered and what treatment plan has been agreed on and I barely showed any interest. All I wanted to know was how big is the tablet????

This is because I am going to be treated with oral chemotherapy - Boots will deliver my chemo once every 3 weeks. I have 2 weeks of tablet taking, twice a day, and one week off. Sounds good but for a few minor personal difficulties.

1. I can’t swallow even the tiniest tablet with fluid

2. There is a size limit of what tablet I can down with the help of banana

3. He doesn’t think I can swallow the tablet with food

4. But not to worry - the tablet can be turned into a suspension in water (I remember having to drink potassium like that while in hospital. It defies description).

5. I have increasing difficulties swallowing fluids. I don’t think a strawful is going to be helpful.

6. The swallowing is 80% psychological, starting a few days before my mastectomy as a bit of self-sabotage and exacerbated by the mucositis caused by chemo. Even some foods stick in my throat. It’s not magically going to go away now. Heigh ho.

So my mind was buzzing round these practicalities and I got the impression Dr U felt almost undermined that something like a phobia could outweigh the gravity of something like cancer. Sorry mate, it will win hands down every time.

Back to what I did take in before the tablet size overtook everything else. My CT scan has identified three suspicious areas - 3 small lymph nodes in my armpit (which I thought had been totally cleared but apparently there are so many lymph nodes, it’s not possible to get them all); a suspicious area in my sternum; and a suspicious area in my endometrium which now means a referral for investigation in Gynaecology. Well, all I can say is good luck there. I have had my oestrogen suppressed. I’m hoping it’s scar tissue from the D&Cs I had in the ‘80s. Hoping.

Fortunately, the bone scan clarified one of those areas. The radiologist asked if there had been any recent trauma and of course Dr U was treating me around the time of my car accident so he was able to tell them I got the best part of a steering wheel in my chest. Turns out I had a fractured sternum - yet A&E x-rayed me and said there was no damage beyond bruising. Huh! And because I had this unidentified fractured sternum, it didn’t heal properly (of course it didn’t, this is me!) so it’s likely that the CT scan was picking up scar tissue. That doesn’t mean it hasn’t welcomed a few cancer cells recently but let’s for the moment assume not.

The brilliant bit is MY BONES ARE HEALTHY and MY ORGANS ARE HEALTHY. 

Back to the less joyous information. I still have breast cancer in my eye socket and it’s growing steadily. (I posted off my driver’s licence application sharpish, before I was informed that it might impede my sight if not treated. First, it’s getting treated and second, I wouldn’t be so daft as to drive with a funny eye! But getting a proper licence back after it’s been withheld or adapted seems way too much hassle). I have skin lesions at the base of my neck and in the lower hairline. These feel like lumps, are red and mostly out of sight but they are spreading quite quickly. I can feel them. I also have them running from my mouth to the side of my chin but usually they are colourless and barely noticeable. I was a lot happier thinking they were hormone-confused acne. It’s not nice looking in the mirror and thinking ‘That’s cancer.’ Then I have some iffy lymph nodes in an area that was riddled with cancer in 2018. The endometrium will either have to be biopsied or taken on trust as IS/IS NOT cancer. 

It’s academic as I am to have Capecitabine. All the potential side effects were outlined (but how big is the tablet??) and I have a pamphlet to read about it. I really don't want to till I have to so it’s not yet been read. You may heave a huge sigh of relief that I’m not subjecting you to the horrors of the side effects. Yet. What I will say is I think Dr U was making a point very strongly- he kept saying that if x happened, then I must ring the emergency number and get myself to the hospital; if y happened, guess what... and z too. I think he’d harking back to 2019 when I delayed going in and, as Dennis insists on putting it, ‘nearly died’. That was when Dr U first took over my treatment. Happy days. No faulty thermometers this time.

But I’ve Googled and here they are - manageable in banana and, from the little I’ve read, taken with meals: Welcome, oh lifesaver!

I just hope this isn’t one dose!