247. Sleep, sleep and more sleep

 Well, I’ve just downed 16 tablets of one kind or another. I wish it was an IV treatment but I’m guessing it would be too much for a body to tolerate. It’s dispiriting though. The good news is that I’ve learnt from a secondary breast cancer group that lots of women are still taking it after a year or more, some several years. I’ve also come across a woman who had her secondary diagnosis 18 years ago! So I guess it’s all down to your oncology team getting things right for you. My concern is the ‘incurable’ tag. Why do they open with that. It knocks you back before you’ve even got your head around the basics. Incurable shouldn’t be one of the basics. I’ve checked and they don’t open with it when they describe diabetes, MS and other lifelong conditions.

Generally I’m still playing ostrich and getting along well psychologically. Every now and then, a random thought will strike me (always a negative of course) but miraculously I manage to shelve it. Physically, I’m doing a lot better. Unfortunately the dreaded PPS is creeping up on me, despite regular moisturising.  At this stage, it’s just lurid pink patches but I can see the skin in certain places is beginning to break up. I slather on more special cream and watch my hands and soles slowly disintegrating. It’s weird - why your palms and soles? Why not other parts of the body? Apart from that riveting information, mostly I sleep.  I had 6 hours of daytime sleep on Wednesday. Of course, it means the healthier night-time sleep is reduced, which is frustrating. Otherwise, I’m lolling in The Shed, listening to music and reading. What a life of luxury.

I’ve got 4 MRIs of my head next Thursday, then clinic on Friday when I’ll get my CT scan results at last. It’s only 4 weeks since I had the scans! It’s a good job I’ve had positive news so far so I’m not anticipating anything worrying… but doubts creep in at weak moments. What if the ‘suspicious area’ around my endometrium has got worse, or the one in my sternum turns out to be lesions, not scar tissue? Common sense says 1. they’d have contacted me if anything was wrong and 2. the treatment I’m having is a kill-all; it doesn’t distinguish between the cells, just goes for the jugular. But it’s hard work sometimes to stay level-headed and practical.

I’m reading a memoir I was told was inspirational - a very young woman who, by the time she sought medical help, found she not only had breast cancer but she had secondaries is various parts of her body. She was told she had three months to live - 12 years ago. It’s quite an irritating read for a 70 year old. Her teenage relationships and angst just remind me of work and I’m way less tolerant than I was. I’m full of admiration for her - she founded the CopaFeel charity to raise awareness of breast examination in young people - but I just don’t subscribe to this cancer battle. It’s a disease, not warfare! It can, or can’t, be treated. If it can’t, it’s not failure to fight hard enough. There are enough pressures without that accusation. 

Now I’m going to find out what the Thursday Murder Club got up to the week after they solved their first murder, a much better read, I suspect.