259. Up and Down

That seems to be the pattern of my life right now. If the sun comes out, I find myself marginally more active but mostly spend my days reading. My skin is more fragile so an afternoon reading in the garden without sun cream led to my having remarkably brown feet (I’m getting there, Sheila - feet, lower legs and chest all brown - rest as pale as ever!) and shedding more skin than I thought possible. That doesn’t augur well for my Spa Day in September, Dr U has said to avoid heat and now I know why lol.

It looks so impressive!

If the sun doesn’t come out, I find that I am remarkably passive and even downhearted. I get emotional over the Commonwealth Games though usually I am repelled by celebrations of “English” successes - too UKIP for me. I am British and I hope never to see the breakdown of the Union. Well, when you think about it, it’s quite probable that I won’t see it. I did reflect yesterday on whether I’d ever see another Commonwealth Games - of course I won’t - yet I still cannot relate to the fact that my life will be curtailed. Strange. It’s not denial. I know the final outcome; it’s just it doesn't feel real to me, even when I’m glued for two days to the toilet with Cape tummy. 

And when I look at the statistics, it’s even more unreal. Ok, for a lot of the time I feel weak and feeble but 

And 18 months on, I’m still here and feeling no different. I truly can’t get my head round it but nor can I pluck up the courage to ask Dr U what’s going on. I do have the opportunity next Friday when I’ll get the results of my CT scan (has it spread anywhere else yet?) and my MRI scan (is the tumour stable or growing? Last time I think it had grown a tiny bit). I am genuinely expecting to be told to carry on with the cursed capecitabine as everything seems stable. And ‘seems’ is the operative word as I still haven’t had a PET scan to light up all the skin mets - some are a bit harder but others seem to have shrunk to almost nothing. I shall just have to wait and see what he thinks. But if anything were amiss in the reports, he’d have rung - you can’t hang around with TN cells!

OK, I m off for a rare opportunity for a cuppa with Carol. I seem to be off everyone’s radar now, which is pretty lonely. And yes, Lesley, I now remember I owe you a reply!