274. All is well…(as can be)

Today: Another visit even more undignified than the Gynae one. A doctor had come to examine me, though usually it's a specialist nurse who does the cystoscopies. At every stage they explained to me the steps of the procedure, which I have obsessed over for the last 3 days, so nothing new. I was moved from room to room, one to loosen my clothing, one to remove it (though she kindly said I could leave my top clothes on and put the gown over it all).

The theory

Who designed those gowns? Who decided that 6 inches of tape is sufficient to tie into anything secure except a knot? And who believed that fumbling fingers could cope with rear fastening? I actually got an irritated “Let me tidy you up” when a third nurse appeared.

The treatment room was well staffed, two nurses twiddling their thumbs, an assisting nurse who kindly blocked my view when she brightly pointed out I could see everything that was happening on screen and I replied that, having secondary cancer I had no wish to see, and a young doctor. They all look so young now. I feel so old! The doctor then explained (yet again) what would happen and I explained I wasn't a good patient and then he started poking around. That was a bit painful as his gloves were dry and brushing against sensitive areas was a bit much. Then the nurse “cleaned me up” with a baby wipe and then a surge of warm water which turned out to be local anaesthetic. In went the catheter, higher and higher (“Bear down” I was urged - how should I know what that means??) and then the cystoscope which had a very thorough look, did a twirl inside my bladder and then halted. The doctor asked me to look at the screen. There was a benign cyst there, causing no trouble and probably there since childhood. I watched the pretty colours as the cystoscope was removed and then I got the diagnosis. Probably a urethral caruncle (yes, I had no idea either), not harmful, unlikely to cause any problem but - here we go - considering my medical condition, he wants me to see a consultant in 4-8 weeks.

The reality

It was completely painless, the table beneath me was soaked and I had to dry myself up - they’d inserted warm water into the bladder so no wonder I was bursting for a pee throughout. I probably peed over the doctor. Occupational hazard? I am grateful I’m not a man tho - all that distance up the urethra in a flinching penis - ouch! BUT now I can stop fretting about it all. It just happened. Coincidence. I confess, I did feel a degree of anxiety (hardly surprising after what I originally saw) and feel relieved that he didn't even biopsy the tissue (which “sits at 6/7 o’clock externally. So the analogue clock survives - for now).

Friday: Clinic day, my last but one session with my lovely Dr U. It was what I’d describe as quiet chaos, one oncologist not arriving till 9.30 so the others had been dealing with her caseload. After an hour, I enquired at Reception and was told there was something of a delay but the oncologists were all doing their best to catch up - so I’d be seeing….Dr D, the last one on earth I would choose. She was cheery: “It’s a long time since I last saw you.” Reply: “Yes, you told me the cancer was gone and I was all clear…and here I am again.” No reaction. The appointment was like all her consultations - she didn't even acknowledge a student doctor was present (obligatory, if not good manners) But she’d gone through my notes so was kind of up to date:

Neck MRI: some enlarged lymph glands in my neck but no cancer detected. probably inflammation. When I said one was swollen permanently, she didn’t react. The scan picked up two small lumps in the back hairline, not doing any harm. Well, this is the first time any of my poor little skin mets has been officially acknowledged, so cause for celebration. They are the Big Boys now.

Head MRI: a tiny progression compared with last time, maybe 1mm. I know all the small ones will add up to a large one but for now, that sounded very good news.

Markers are steady. They haven’t dropped but that’s not essential. They have levelled out at 28 (9) and 25 (18).

All in all, I am StayMay (not quite Stable Mabel but relatively stable).

So now all I have to do is start cycle #32 tonight (always hard) and carry on as I wish to. Definitely not what my lizard brain was expecting.