11. The Haven

Leeds is fortunate to have a branch of Breast Cancer Haven, a charity dedicated to supporting people with breast cancer and their families. It’s not easily accessible, tucked away in the less salubrious south of the city, approached by a nightmare of a one-way system and escaped from via the city loop. One wrong lane and you’re scuppered.

https://www.breastcancerhaven.org.uk/the-yorkshire-haven

Maureen collected Dennis and me and eventually we got there, delayed by roadworks and a bit of confused navigating. I’m finding it interesting being driven by others, observing how characteristic or uncharacteristic their driving is. In this case, calm Maureen was uncharacteristically fraught. It was the build-up to Christmas; Leeds traffic was a nightmare. She kept reminding herself to stay in the left lanes all the way.

The Haven is a pleasant, airy and comfy place and I can imagine it provides a calm and supportive environment. Dennis sat and chatted with Maureen while I had a long interview with E, the manager, who seemed to decide for me what initial sessions would suit my needs best. Of course, all I could focus on was the appalling fact that I had to have chemotherapy and the risk of vomiting! Obsession is frustrating. She suggested I had a hypnotherapy session (‘This is nothing like what you’ve had before’), a session with the medical herbalist and a session with a nutritionist. I felt railroaded rather than comforted but had to trust her judgment.

So far, I’ve had two of those sessions. Hypnotherapy was ok but really nothing I couldn’t have done on my own in a far more comfortable chair. The medical herbalist was supportive, unable to provide much because of the swallowing problem, but full of advice. She provided me with a glorious spray that could take me to a positive place when I needed it, and a vile concoction of St John’s Wort and comfrey in a massage oil which has proved a boon in alleviating the burning sensation in my arm and elbow. I pong a bit but needs must...

I was a bit taken aback to be asked why I was having chemotherapy when it caused so much terror. I hadn’t thought about that. I was having it because the experts believed it was necessary, simple as that. I wondered if anyone ever challenged their treatment and whether that could be a risky decision. I stuck with my choice to go ahead: it may be ‘just a disease’ but even I know it can change to more than that if you don’t follow advice.

I’m ambivalent about whether The Haven is for me. Each time I visit, I get a sense of gentle comfort, coupled with a degree of unease. There is just too much ‘breast cancer’ there for me. I don’t want to be Janet with breast cancer. I want to stay Jan, who just happens to be dealing with some crap right         now. It’s difficult. I’ve been known as Jan for decades but I’ve insisted on being Janet through the whole medical process. Breast cancer thus is held at a distance, happening to Janet while Jan remains less affected. Is that some dissociation at work? It’s certainly helped.