6. A new man in my marriage

It’s time to give some credit to the internet for helping to get me through this crap so far. A couple of years back, I joined a discussion group on depression. Not my best idea - it was unrelentingly depressing and I backed out after a while. As always, I found myself offering ‘advice’ and reassurance but rarely getting the responses I needed to my my own questions.

Someone mentioned in a post a Michael Sealey on YouTube and I followed it up. He makes hypnosis videos linked to a range of states of mind and a few people said they were great for inducing sleep. I was struggling with Mindfulness, not being the kind of person who can set her mind to a routine of practice, so I listened to a couple, got irritated and let the idea slip to the back of my mind. Now I was desperate. I’m not a great candidate for hypnosis - people who need to feel in control and people who easily dissociate, as I do, rarely are, but I was willing to give it a go.

https://m.youtube.com/results?search_query=Michael+Sealey

Faced with a perplexing range of choices, some distinctly scary like getting in touch with your Inner Child (she’s safer out of this part of my life thank you) and challenging phobic behaviour (essential but not quite the right time to stir up the bad stuff), I identified a few I thought might be useful and gave them a go.

Michael has, for all his irritations, become a key part of my Breast Cancer support. I started with Anxiety Reduction and Reversal, moved onto Anxiety, Digestion and IBS, Calming an Overactive Mind and, my favourite, the ones on Clearing Subconscious Negativity. At times, I probably did as many as 5 sessions in a day, anything to keep the anxiety at bay and my mind off reaching for diazepam.

And they helped. Yes, I still dissociated and I still missed loads of what he said, I mentally bickered with him and criticised his choice of words and images, but I rested. I slept at night better than I’ve ever slept. Den even joined me to learn to breathe mindfully and help his own anxiety - not the best experience as he was gently snoring within two minutes so I had to just lie there and wait for him to wake up - but it was something positive we could share.
 
What’s wrong with Michael Sealey? He uses too many words. Little things like ‘your eyes close down.’ Close is enough. Ok, I’m pernickety and easily irritated. Then he’ll gently suggest you picture a picture frame or a perfect place where you feel safe and go on to give you suggestions that completely disempower you! By the time he’s finished his suggestions, I don’t know what I want and I’ve forgotten what instinctively came to mind. The best ‘bad’ thing is his suggestion about approaching a green tree (trees aren’t green, my mind yells). Its branches are covered in bright red balloons (mind heads for Banksy’s little girl). Untie one and release it (I start thinking about environmental damage and harm to wildlife). I said I wasn’t a good candidate for hypnosis, didn’t I?

Yet I am calmer. I sleep well (particularly since I’ve been on steroids for 5 days). I rarely fail to fall asleep and sleep till maybe 6 when my bladder demands attention - and then I tune in for another dose of Michael which keeps me relaxed in the early morning and sometimes brings more sleep. I can’t  help feeling some of the messages are getting embedded, much to my amazement, so I believe I owe this man countless apologies and a lot of credit for bringing emotional comfort I usually find so hard to grasp. Long may it last.

I’ve swapped cuddles (painful) and snoring for earplugs and a stranger. Only temporarily.