159. Confused and coldy

I’ve got from 13 October 2018 to today feeling absolutely fine about my noob. I call it my lifesaver and don’t miss it at all. I may curse it a little (?) when my fortress bras hurt so much or I get the phantom nipple twinge but I look at my scar and don’t feel bereft or mutilated or less of a woman, all of which I hear other women talking about. Yesterday, exercising my arm in the empty sauna, I was lying back actually massaging my breast muscle. What it would have looked like had someone walked in, perish the thought. I know it felt perfectly normal but potentially a little lewd. So why tonight, when I felt a painful itch through my breast, did I automatically reach and scratch something not there, that’s not been there for 16 months, and suddenly feel my hand moving through space. There was this space where my body should be and I felt in a flash all those things I could have felt before, all encapsulated in a huge pang of loss. Oh well, as Scarlett said, “Tomorrow is another day,”

How I know that when I giggled through most of that film and Dennis and I were virtually asked to leave the cinema (it was in Guildford, maybe they were more romantic there), I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you the story. One of my cinematic failures, along with the Wizard of Oz (never got it) and It’s A Wonderful Life (never seen it).  Maybe I’d better not do a cinematic bio on here :)

I repeated my visit to Cookridge Hall yesterday, skipping the swimming and just enjoying sauna, steam and spa pool. Thirty minutes of freedom from pain. Bliss. Last week I got a sore throat the following day - that lasted 3 days - and tonight I’ve started that unstoppable sneezing.

Hopefully it will be vit C to the rescue again but honestly, is it worth it for 30 minutes? Then today, tai chi. Twice Colin commented on my performance (or lack of) and certainly I struggled with the muscle and joint pain. But they say exercise/walk your way through it. How, when you can barely step onto your foot?? Am I a complete wuss? I suspect the answer is a qualified yes. Am I a lazy git? No doubts about that one. I may change my opinion if I keep to my decision to go for a bit of a walk tomorrow. Maybe a Fitbit would shame me into action (PLEASE don’t buy me one, Trina - I mean it!) but I doubt it would do more than make me feel a bit guilty.

On a brighter note, two lovely emails. One last week from my school-friend Lesley - which inspired my music bio (that was for you, Lesley) and one last night from my childhood friend Sheila - inspired by my music bio. Thank you both for making me smile so much and yes, Sheila, I’d happily add both tracks. ‘Track of my Tears’ brings back memories of my first real passion, Patrick, railway stations as I travelled to Herne Bay each weekend and platform farewells worthy of Brief Encounter (I never did get back to France - Dennis came along). As for ‘What became of the Broken-hearted?’ I don’t know how I overlooked it. It really was my introduction to soul music. I heard it first round at Susan Smith’s house when her brother Stuart played it for me.  Funny how I can remember some things so vividly and yet have complete blanks about others.