252. I’m all in one piece again

 I’m sorry I haven’t posted anything recently. My mind is in a strange place right now and everything feels such a chore, too demanding mentally, so I let it go and keep my mind almost numb. I guess it’s a delayed reaction?

So first the cancer. It’s all going to plan, my markers are very low and, more important, stable. My tumour has shrunk a little but unfortunately is still cancerous so is able to send out those nasty cells to settle elsewhere, but there is no evidence it’s doing this. Let’s keep things as they are now.

I truly resent taking the oral chemo and dread next Monday evening when I start cycle 10. It’s not that it makes me feel ill any longer - fatigue, an empty head and pink hands are the worst I have now - it’s the knowledge that I have to keep doing this twice a day for two out of every three weeks indefinitely. Not even a reduction in the number of tablets. Dennis is in charge of the tablets and my heart sinks when he brings the tray with food (essential), drink and tablets. I mean, how would you feel about swallowing 9 pills that apparently are so toxic you have to flush the lavatory twice (so much for helping the planet) and wash your hands after handling them? It feels surreal. I try to numb out, like I have with a lot of information about the future, but it does get me down.

However, almost everything the CT scans have thrown up (something new every time) has remained unchanged, meaning it’s benign. This includes my fractured sternum which they were concerned about, the gynae stuff (apparently I have 4 cysts on my right ovary) and the lung nodule. Had they shown any reduction, that would have indicated a response to the Cape and indicate they were malignant. So it’s just this cute kidney bean across my nose/eyelid and the skin mets on my neck and face, all softening so definitely responding. Sadly my eyelid apparently will not improve, apart from the lumps softening further and maybe in a year or so disappearing. It will remain numb and not move when my other eyelid does - best noticed if I do a Princess Diana and peek up through my rather sparse eyelashes. Otherwise, you wouldn’t notice unless looking for it so maybe I can stop hiding behind my glasses and start experimenting with me eye makeup, now at leat 2 years old!

 I’m living a life of lethargy, tho I do pick up when we get visitors or Carol takes me out for a coffee in Chapel Allerton. A real, bustling world (although she gets very anxious about if there’s a risk to me, bless her). I’ve also been to the hairdresser’s and had my hair chopped of. I’m toying with the idea of lavender and steel grey high/lowlights. I love the idea but the thought of sitting there for hours… maybe not. But I have to have something on my bucket list!!

We got our flu jabs last Thursday. I’m rather cross with my GP practice. I rang and explained I had to have my flu jab within about 3 days in a specific week and was told they had no supplies so could make no appointments. Ring back next week. I did. All appointments now gone. This was after someone had noted I needed a vaccination in a short space of time. I feel a complaint to the practice manager coming on! 

Booking a pharmacist online proved useless but one of my book group friends mentioned she’d just walked into her local chemist and got her jab. I gave them a ring and the pharmacist was happy to book us both in on the perfect day - time for it to get to work on those antibodies before Cape starts destroying all the cells.  I do remember how blood works from O level Biology. I know my lymphocytes from my phagocytes but no one even mentioned cancer creating defiant cells that can resist of treatment so that’s where my understanding stops. I’m guessing I’ll have some immunity.

I’ve never had a reaction to a flu jab. Maybe it’s the fact that we’ve been isolated for so long. I developed a splitting headache and was exhausted when I shouldn’t have been. It only lasted 24 hours though.  Dennis got pins and needles in his hand and his arm felt very heavy - and still does, 4 days later. Maybe that’s because he’s part-way through coating The Shed? I’ve given up with Mercia, the manufacturer. Alan has been a gem. He added the turn buttons Mercia sent, glued and clamped the split wood and has said it’s best left now till late Spring when he’ll plane the warped doors that barely shut now.

I’m having second thoughts about the FaceBook groups. They’ve been a fount of information and experience but so many people are experiencing such awful things, part of me just doesn't want to know. Is that selfish of me? I’m happy offering support for people just being diagnosed with bc and people going though treatment but I can’t identify with anyone further ahead of me in the secondary bc stakes. I know it will happen one day but for now things are relatively ok, apart from the pill regime. 

No more writing stories. I’ve battled with Microsoft which caused the loss of all my Word documents on my ipad. I’ve battled with Apple, to whom I pay 79p monthly for cloud storage on the understanding that everything is backed up regularly and automatically. I was so sure everything would be safe in the cloud but no, Apple only stores your last and previous back up. Everything gone. But wait, I have some on my old laptop. Dead as a doornail. Ok, buy a new battery - it doesn’t fit even though it’s a repeat order (boring story). Buy another battery and, like Cinderella’s slipper, it fits perfectly and it starts charging. But the laptop refuses to cooperate and switches itself off. Persistently. I’ll have to take it to a computer specialist, pay more than the laptop is worth to get it fixed and gain access to my older writing at least. I haven’t written for months. Is it worth it?? Lesson - never rely on those Clouds and OneDrives. They don’t store your stuff, they save over it! The tears threatened but they didn’t come.

So that’s one cheerful update. Why don’t I just say “All going to plan”? because I’ve no idea what the plan is. Who does? Just never try to comfort me by saying we could all get run over by a bus. There’s a big difference between being aware of a remote possibility and knowing that bus will be coming but having no date.