253. Same ol’ same ol’

It’s strange living with something you can’t ignore. I mean the disease, not Dennis. While I wait 3 more days for the best flu protection, it’s still like life during lockdown. I’ve got only two more doses to go and I’m done with the tablets for cycle 10. Then I need to wait for the side effects to ease off.

I have booked a reflexology session for Wednesday, my first since January 2020, though it doesn’t seem that long ago. Poor Caroline will be in for a disappointment. My “baby-soft feet” as she used to describe them have changed a bit. For a start, she might need sunglasses, my heels are so pink. Then the bulk under my heel seems to have reduced and I’m left with wrinkled and hardened skin, not comfortable to walk on. Still, I’m sure she’s worked with worse and I’m fortunate the PPE hasn’t got much worse. Women in the Facebook Groups who are on capecitabine have lost nails, have weeping sores and can’t walk. Sorry, but this is the reality of the treatment. So yes, I’m fortunate.

Any idea?

I’ve been walking round the house most days, rather tedious but I’m discovering all kinds of toadstools. Maybe it’s time to look them up. I probably knew all about them from Girl Guides (such a lot of handy information, most superfluous now in the days of technology. How often do you wrap a paper parcel? Or need hospital corners on your neat bed? I can still distinguish between a Horse Chestnut and an Oak from a distance but I can’t find a practical application for such knowledge now lol. Stilll, it earned me a few badges at the time. I wonder what happened to my postcard collection (for Collectors Badge). I had over a hundred in there, some dating back pre-WWI. Ah well, gone the same way as my Edwardian silk and lace blouse which belonged to Great Great-Granny. I never knew how to look after treasures. Back to the toadstools: probably most are edible but I’m not one to take risks. I’ll let them disintegrate with time. 

I’m close to renewing my gym membership but I think I need to dip a toe in the water first (a pink toe). I hope to meet up with some friends at Cookridge Hall, just for a coffee and chat, as a start. I’m only used to being surrounded by people with cancer, which is rather a sad comment. Not that you can tell. Most look quite healthy but you can kind of see those who are nervous about having a scan, waiting for results (scanxiety), the newly diagnosed. You get a feel for it and there’s nothing else to do in waiting areas except people-watch.

Thinking of scanxiety, I suspect joining the Facebook groups has been an advantage and a disadvantage. It takes up so much time. But I learn a lot, like there’s a secondary breast cancer group that meets regularly at the Maggie’s Centre so, if I can drive, I’ll go to the next session. However, I’ve noticed that my thoughts are sneaking to places I’d rather they didn’t visit. I’ve read so many posts written by women devastated that their treatment is no longer working and I wonder… Then I reassure myself that, if my blood results weren’t good any more, they would ring me and get me almost straight onto second line defence, the vile paclitaxel. But I know next Friday I’ll have just a tiny seed of anxiety till I’m told everything is still fine. I should say we since I’m taking Dennis so he can hear for himself that I’m not underplaying things and everything is (kind of) ok. He still looks at the dark side of it all but what’s the point? How does anyone benefit from it? 

I’m not all sunshine, don’t think that for a minute. I’m driven daily by the state of my bowels and the level of weakness I feel from fatigue. Even now, when I’d say the side effects of cape are very manageable, I still have days in bed, just watching tv, not even reading. However, along with four times round the house (1000 steps) I’ve also read a chunk of Jack Reacher (how do they think of these plots???) and I’m going to pick up my knitting again.

Ok folks, that’s my update. More news after clinic on Friday. Fingers crossed please that it’s happy news.

This brave and hardy beauty has survived into late November!