147. Bottling out?

Tomorrow I have my routine appointment with Dr D and the oncology clinic. Last time, I said I had loads of questions but Dennis and I had both had enough of Cancer-world and needed a break so I’d save them. So the time approaches. Do I have the courage to ask those questions, the answers to which I may not like??

Ok-to-ask questions:

1. What exactly does “regular checks” mean? How often is ‘regular? What will happen (blood tests? scans?) For how long?  (Really I mean will I ever get free of this place!)

2. Has the test for a genetic link been done automatically? If not, should I have one or will it make no difference? (Thinking: is it safer to opt for a second mastectomy if I’m a strong candidate for breast cancer? Kind of preventative? Or would I possibly still get it, even in a boobless state? After all, men get breast cancer without all that breast tissue!)

3. Can the manufacturer/brand of anastrozole make any difference, as people have suggested? Which is the kindest brand in terms of the horrible side effects which make me feel I have reached old age long before I’m ready. (Honest, you should have seen me today, sporting spiky white hair and a very stylish long black parka from Jigsaw and walking like a penguin with chilblains!)

Getting-harder questions:

4. Is it still early days for me to expect the side effects of chemotherapy and radiotherapy to have worn off? (I’m not sure I want to hear that it’s not early days as that would suggest I am stuck with conditions I hate - I know you don’t want me to list them again!)

Questions I maybe don’t want to know the answers to but should:

5. That NPI 5.5 score. It applied after surgery and my prognosis for survival over 5 years was “poor.” Does it still apply or has each treatment increased my chances of survival/moved me to another category?

6. What is my prognosis, given that I’ve had every treatment provided? I know I had a reduced dose of paclitaxel - does that reduce the effectiveness of the chemotherapy in any way?

Back to ok-to-ask questions:

7. What do I need to do now to reduce i) the chance of recurrence ii) early identification of a recurrence? Or it it just up to fate?

Right now I feel that there’s nothing I can do about it so why worry about it. That’s not really me, considering I’ve spent about 75% of my life trying to control conditions so I could manage my life and have a tiny sense of safety. That still applies - if I feel remotely sick, I’m off, full gallop. After a year off, it’s back to normal service, which is kind of sad. I can now use a taxi and use lifts and multi-storey car parks, which is progress, but it’s not much, is it? BUT when it comes to this cancer business, I think and feel differently. I’m way more detached and almost phlegmatic (till it comes to treatment, then I’m just a wimp). Maybe tomorrow’s answers will change how I feel.

Being realistic, I know she can’t tell me there’s little or no chance of a recurrence, so I’m not going to be dancing home am I?