148. Here we go again AGAIN

I plucked up the courage to ask the unasked questions on Friday. I guess nothing surprised me. Basically, I’ll go to clinic every 6 months before the zometa infusion and generally be kept an eye on. That’s for the next two years. That dreaded NPI score was reassuringly explained - it doesn’t take into account things like being HER negative and I think she said oestrogen negative and I came away a fairly happy bunny till I was brought up short by the realisation that, while I am HER negative (whatever it means; think it’s a hormone thingy), I am oestrogen positive top of the scale 8/8! Not so reassuring after all.

I did ask outright what my prognosis is and got a predictably waffly answer that my highest risk of recurrence is in the first two to three years so keep alert to: significant weight loss (that’s my normal); breathing problems and I forget the third thing. Maybe that shows how relatively phlegmatic I am about it. I still don’t understand how someone who falls apart at the thought of the dentist’s can just take in her stride the sword of Damocles that cancer has turned out to be.

We disagreed again about my side effects. Having seen a pretty gross video of my face on a really bad evening, right side sagging a bit, top lip weighed down under my teeth and me performing tongue twisters quite successfully by use of a very mobile bottom lip only, she could see something isn’t right. That and the fact that I can’t feel my insides (and I didn’t mention I’m still a bit wobbly - the proprioception is a bit off). She’s adamant it’s not chemo-related. Since it started in the days immediately following my first EC treatment And began to ease off after my third and final EC treatment, I think it’s too coincidental. Anyway, the upshot is that she’s packing me off for ANOTHER MRI, on the basis that the previous one was inconclusive. She then said she’d see me in 6 weeks time. I laughed and pointed out I had to wait 9 weeks to get an appointment letter for my last MRI so she said she’d make it 8 weeks time. Where’s the logic? On the bright side, I get another thorough health check 6 months after the last. On the downside, I’m not fond of MRIs but fortunately still have some lorazepam left. Thank god for drugs. How I never experimented with recreational drugs is something that bemuses me. I’m sure I’d have had much more fun or been way less uptight ;)

I don't feel I can write about Dennis’s counselling as it’s Dennis’s life but it’s really good to be able to write ‘Dennis’s counselling.’ A year ago, he would have simply refused. He’s going for a third session. Again he warned me that didn’t mean he’d do the full 6 sessions! I can’t imagine D in counselling but he mentioned it to some friends yesterday, to my amazement, so he obviously doesn’t have a hang-up about it. I don’t know if I’d like to be a fly on the wall. I’ll just put it aside as something private to him and hang around for any crumbs he might drop into conversation. I never ask. I do hope he doesn't interpret that as lack of interest!