146. Bodysnatchers

I had a long crush on Donald Sutherland so the film comes to mind when I am feeling this is not my body. I want to go to the hospital next Friday and ask ‘Please may I have my body back?’ A swap must have been done somewhere along the line when I wasn’t paying attention. They will of course assume I’m referring to my absent breast :(

So, be warned - this is not for the faint-hearted.

From the bottom, working up:

Toes: on my right foot, every moveable toe joint is very painful. A sharp stabbing pain if I dare to use them, though my big toe seems to have resisted so far. This is, I presume, the effects of Anastrozole, the 10-year hormone therapy. Numb or tingling toe-pads, depending on the day (peripheral neuropathy).

Feet: the metatarsals on both feet protest with sharp pain when I walk. Consequently, I walk like a penguin, my feet flapping as I carefully try to walk on the outer edge of my feet (not inner because I have the toe-problem I had for years before - I just don’t fancy more steroid injections right now. All I fancy is Terry’s chocolate orange).

Ankles: both have a gentle tenderness (doesn’t that sound sweet) that presages the sharper pain in a few weeks?

Shins: no problem, just the sensation of nerves that feed into my toes. I know that’s the PN which will ease off ‘sometime.’

Knees: Oh dear, I have what I think are Old Lady Knees. When I bend them, they ache. Hopefully it’s the ‘sore joints and muscles’ side effect of anastrozole.

Legs: no problems I can see though I’m having two treatments that have ‘spontaneous fracture of the femur’ as a side effect. If I thought about it, I’d never get out of bed!!

Hips: no problem

Genitals: no improvement. Still prepubescent and even worse now that the healthy flush of fresh pubic hair after chemo has decided to fall out. Bald as a coot again (which I find so infantilising as well as looking horrendous, if I were inclined to look. Best not). I still have my stalwart fringe of top leg hair, which is all a bit incongruous. Makes me think of frilly aprons - don’t ask why.

Abdomen: still virtually numb. The joy is that I have had no IBS which used to plague me. The problem is I have absolutely no idea of when I want to go to the loo. The pharmacist has ordered in some palatable way of taking senna, since what the hospital provided required cutting into 4 so I could down the pieces in food, 8 extra tablets at night!

Tummy: requiring daily medication but I’m not sure why any more. All I know is I crave cheese and I can’t eat it without suffering.

Just fancied one right now - well, part of one...

Shoulders: still not as upright and held back as I would like. Perhaps if I did my exercises more often, that would improve. The back shoulder muscle is still tender from radiotherapy. That will improve ‘in time.’ Time is a great healer; I now understand what they mean by that. It’s a euphemism for ‘we have no idea.’

Chest: still tender on the microwaved ribs but the scar is nice and loose so I have better movement. I don’t miss my noob at all. I do hate wearing the prosthesis as I can’t get comfy in a bra - too constricting compared to the dainty wisps I used to wear. Movement is impeded by...

Arms: Only my left arm affected now. I have a solid wedge under my arm where my absent lymph nodes once kept everything in its place. I have to massage up my inner arm from the elbow to the armpit daily, more than daily, in order to get the movement I need to do my exercises. I can achieve the physio’s objective for me painlessly - but only after 15 minutes of preparation. My outer arm remains numb from surgery. Is my body meant to stay like this indefinitely??

Elbows: skin on the left elbow is permanently sore. It looks fine, there’s no dryness; it just hurts. This is from surgery 14 months ago. Again, it will improve ‘ in time.’ Bless time :)

Lower arms: Right arm improving from the onslaught of chemo but I have another stint in 5 weeks. It will ‘get better’ just in time for another attack from zoledronic acid flowing through. Left arm fine. OMG did she say something was ok?? Actually, I almost forgot - both wrists ache.

Hands: as with the toes, victims of the hormone therapy. This morning I lay in bed listening to the building contractors and gently bending and massaging each bloody finger before they were fit for purpose. That took at least 10 minutes. The fingertips, like the toe pads, experience numbness or tingling, depending on what the PN decides to do for the day. Not good for my latest obsession - crochet. Actually, that probably exacerbates it but it’s a new skill and I’ve several projects to complete so I’ll put u with the pain and massage.

Neck: absolutely fine, so I shall probably pull a muscle later on.

Throat: definitely improving from the effect of radiotherapy. Far fewer incidents of sore throat and gruff voice. Hooray, it was a bit awkward at times, losing my voice mid-conversation.

Mouth: my disaster area. I survived the dentist but have no faith in my teeth now. Every time I find a grain in my Weetabix, I have to check it’s not a bit of tooth or a filling. I am beginning to salivate better but still get parts of the day when my mouth is foamy - but it doesn’t nauseate me like it did so it can't be so bad now. Dry mouth comes and goes. However, my lips are no longer predictable. It’s like my face muscles collapse. I can’t catch it on a selfie (blush, I’ve tried) but it’s not just that I feel it. It’s definitely elongated and I have teeth indentations inside my upper lip - PROOF I’m not imagining it as was suggested. Dennis spots it before I’m aware of it sometimes - he’ll say ‘Is your mouth ok?’ God knows what he sees - the one-lipped woman??

Head: all fine. Hair beginning to lie flatter, nice and thick with just a little curl left round the neck and ears. All rather cute and still attracting lots of comment from people who want to make me feel better and don’t want to ask how I am. They pat me on the head or comment about my ‘gloriously thick hair.’ Beneath the curls, scalp good. I followed up Anne’s observation about her friend who was told she didn’t need to wash her hair ever again. I use running water and a lot of massage, then the tiniest bit of conditioner and voila, the curse of anastrozole (itchy scalp) has been cured.

Brain: oh dear. Not really the same as it was. I have problems with proprioception (I think it’s the PN). Yesterday I took a tumble against the bedroom radiator but, in all fairness, I was only 25% awake. My feet misjudge where to go just now and then - definitely it’s improved - and I am absolutely fine sitting down. I wouldn’t drive otherwise!

Sometimes I think my wiring’s been changed. I don’t feel things in the same way (physically). What I know is soft feels rough; what I know is rough feels like a sharp blade. Yet some softs feel even softer. Most things are basically tasteless. I can detect the salt, sweetness etc and my brain recognises a faint flavour which I sense somewhere in my mouth - but it’s not taste like I remember tasting things before. My sense of smell was always hyper so no change there.

I can’t type very well (I tend to type the letters in the wrong order or hit between the keys so I get double letters like lk or oi. Auto check has a busy time). However,

 handwriting is almost beyond me! What else? I do a lot of ‘what was I saying?’ My conversations trail off... and I forget things. I still rely on my mental lists which never were that good - now they are useless. Sorry Sheila. I remember every day to email you. I also forget. Oh, and I can’t sleep normally. I’m extra alert in the early hours and dead to the world in the morning. I plug myself into binaural beats to go to sleep but not till I sense I might sleep - otherwise I’d have hours of dreadful music. It works though.

So there you are. The Bodysnatchers took away the body I felt comfortable with and I’m having to adapt to this. All these effects should go ‘in time’ but by the time that happens, old age will have hit me and some of the things will be happening anyway - what Nanny Tait called the screws (rheumatism) and the hunched shoulders. Maybe I have the advantage of getting used to things early but really I’d prefer to resolve them and regain my body, quite happy with a noob so long as it behaves itself. Yes, apparently I still have to check it for lumps and changes!!