145. She got it!

Today, Dennis and I went to a joint counselling sessions at the Robert Ogden (Macmillan) Centre. Physically, you would have witnessed husband and wife laughing about parking confusion and the difficulty of filling in simple forms when one (me) could barely hold a pen and the other was as blind as a bat, having left his glasses at home. Had you been able to see the psychological dynamics, you would have seen a mother dragging her screaming child with his head stuck in the saucepan to the hospital. I’m not exaggerating.

Dennis actually agreed months ago when I asked if he’d come with me to some joint counselling about moving us forward. He’s conveniently forgotten that and actually said he felt he’d been highjacked into it today. Aaargggh.

We saw K, a trainee counsellor who volunteers at the centre and obviously has worked with many cancer patients and their carers but usually works one-to-one. D motioned to me to start things off so I did but pretty quickly, she seemed to sense the real issue and began to focus on D so, uncharacteristically, I sat back and listened. And D talked. Some I’d not heard before. In the summing up, she indicated that she felt I had enough emotional support through psychotherapy so she’d like to focus on D. FREEZE!

Don’t get any closer or else...

I could see the cornered animal look in his eyes and so could she because she suggested we come together and I withdraw after a short while. He agreed. But she recognised without either of us saying it that D is stuck with high levels of fear about cancer, that fear I didn’t have. He’s holding on to the bad moments instead of accepting they’ve happened but they’re over and done with. Whatever lies ahead, if there ever is a recurrence, will be new. Maybe I’ll not be able to dissociate like this time, maybe I won’t be protected from fear by my previous experience of different fear. It will be new.

So we have an 11am slot for 5 more sessions. He’s already saying he’ll only do one more. I can only hope he changes his mind but by now you my have a sense of the sheer stubbornness of the man.

Right now, I am trying to prove his legal existence, without the usual forms of ID. Nothing photographic, most utilities in my name...He refuses to accept that his desire to live “under the radar” just causes problems and, as I’m typing this, I’m wondering why I’m bothered. Why not just get on with my side of things (will, LPA)? Well basically because it’s a joint venture and I lose out if he doesn’t bother!

On top of that, I’m struggling with my phobia. It almost feels like something has been triggered and wants out. Not nice!