143. Maybe not a good idea?

Strict instructions: Dennis is to supervise me and prevent me from using machinery or signing documents with the next 24 hours. I’m not sure if this qualifies as machinery and thank god for autocorrect but I did actually type Dennis is to supersize me! Maybe there’s sense in all these rules

This is dental sedation. Not the joys of being legally stoned for a couple of hours, no memory of the treatment or of the fool I made of myself immediately afterwards (once I tried to arrange work experience for myself, having spent the previous weeks obsessing about fixing 150 girls in the right placements). Today I have total recall of much but not all. I’d prefer to have zero recall but they prefer to be abstemious with the precious drugs, which already have had their buzz-factor removed! No memory of the injections and spreading numbness, which was good as that’s my trigger. But, while being cannulated again, I couldn't help wondering how I could cope with all that chemo and radiotherapy, yet still need sedation for small fillings. The progress was though 1. We went by taxi so my friends henceforth are freed from dentist duty and 2. I didn't experience even the slightest anxiety or nerves beforehand. Weird. No. Progress.

I slept on Dennis in the taxi back. I got into bed fully clothed and went to sleep. I requested a cup of tea and went to sleep. Now I’ve managed a cup of tea with a straw, copious numbers of dunked biscuits and I think I’m wide awake.

But not wide awake enough to remember why I started this and what I wanted to say. Maybe it’s that breast cancer doesn’t change the things you want to change. I’m still a frightened child at the dentist’s.