142. Same old, same old...

Someone pointed out that I wasn’t posting so often on here and they were disappointed when they checked and found no updates. SORRY. Chiefly it’s because all I can do is go over old ground, which must make for extremely dull reading. But this is how my life will be for quite a while, I believe. Also, some things tend to feel quite negative and you don’t deserve that.

Tuesday I went to The Haven for acupuncture and Rebecca, who obviously has a lot of experience working with breast cancer patients, said it’s “generally two years at least” before all side effects wear off and people have managed to get their head round everything. That’s two years from ending treatment so I’ve another 19 months to go. Another SORRY.

This time, the acupuncture doesn’t seem to have worked in a positive way but, so popular is she, I don’t have another appointment for three weeks. I’ve had several days of mouth problems. The dentist last week wondered if it’s muscular rather than nerve damage. I need to look for some face/mouth exercises - or ask the physio. I wonder if she knows exercises for the upper lip? All I know is, to quote my former pupils, it’s doing my head in. My face is no longer my face. By the end of the day, I can’t really feel my nose or mouth and it’s 9 months since I had the chemo that brought it on. Ok, another 2 years. I’m here and healthy. I can manage it.

I tried looking for a picture but my search took me to perfectly ordinary mouths, not one where the upper lip folds under the top teeth and vanishes (and I have a full upper lip - Myra Bristol called me Rubber Lips when we were 10 and someone compared me to Mick Jagger at school - these things don’t get forgotten lol). I have to consciously prop that lip over my lower lip right now - it can’t do much on its own, poor thing. So here’s my currently hiding lip and here’s my manually moved lip waiting to return to its former glory. Not a glamorous look, sadly. And yes, I’m having a duvet day! I look after myself gently.

                            

Actually, I’m wrong about the acupuncture. It’s had a remarkable effect on my toe joints and, although I padded there flat-footed because my toe joints were so painful, I’ve been walking normally. No pain. I really shouldn’t generalise should I? Next I need it for my finger joints though, to be fair, my current obsession with crochet is probably the cause of all that pain!

My chemo curls are growing out. I reckon another couple of weeks...Patches of hair are beginning to slope in the right direction which lends itself to an unusual look: most of the top still grows upright, both sides are now sloping downwards, and I have tight curly patches mostly above and behind my ears. You can just see the curls in the photo above but not the sheer willpower of the hair standing up on top!

Add curls round back and ears, imagine it colourless and this is me-ish

I’m still thinking occasionally about which camp I’m in. Is it going to come back? What am I frightened of? I know it’s the prospect of treatments and all the uncertainties, as well as losing control over my body again. It certainly isn’t death. I don't know why not. I’m also thinking of something a well-intentioned friend said - I’ll save those for another day.