149. Pondering on Christmas Eve

Last year, Christmas was cancelled. Today, Den and I had lunch out to mark the first anniversary of chemo#1 and did a bit of reflecting.

How quickly the year has gone (and yet how slow it felt).

How little of it I remember vividly without a prompt (It’s just one big blur of misery with little highlights).

How I got through some pretty awful things in a state of numbness (was it good or bad? We all find our own ways of coping).

How I was wrong thinking he was sometimes just waiting for me to die (Huh! Me wrong??).

How I experienced such a low level of fear yet he took on such a high level (a reverse of our usual dynamic).

How we never imagined that the end of treatment didn’t mean the end of treatment (mini-chemo 15 January; MRI yet to come).

That side effects can take a hell of a long time to go away and some never do (so we just don't know what each day is going to bring).

But it’s Christmas Eve (well, Christmas Day for insomniacs) so here’s my beautiful little Christmas tree, a gift from Abi and much appreciated:

Wishing anyone who reads this (have you nothing better to do, like prepare the sprouts or open the tin of Quality Street?) a very merry Christmas (Feliz Natal) or a belated merry Christmas if you read it later. 

Cheers (felicidades) everyone ❤️