I’ve found it odd how successfully I’ve managed to exist in the Land of Denial. After all, there are little (?) things that niggle at the back of my mind. I push them away to be dealt with another time. This is how I am progressing through treatment.
Today, I had two trips to St James’s, with two new routes. Pauline took me at lunchtime to Nuclear Medicine to have my radioactive tracer injected. I was uncharacteristically calm. I could have managed on my own but there was always the possibility I might just panic and need to take a diazepam so I opted to ask someone to take me. Again, I was surprised at how adaptable the staff were. The radiographer T was very reassuring and, when I mentioned I could be claustrophobic, took me to see the equipment and talked me through the process. As he said, there was no point in giving me the injection if I couldn’t face the treatment and he’d discovered for himself only recently what claustrophobia was like.
It’s a strange feeling, knowing you’re toxic for 24 hours!
Marilyn and Clive took me for the scan. It was absolutely fine because T had explained it all to me. He did nothing to exacerbate any anxiety like strapping my arms down (one advantage of being skinny is that I actually fitted the ‘bed’ easily) and even stayed with me when my head was being scanned in case I got anxious. How kind is that! Actually it was a bit frustrating because I was trying to meditate and he kept interrupting. The scan took exactly 18 minutes and I get the results in a week. Once we got home, a lovely period of complete normality with not a single mention of cancer and only the slightest reference to it by accident. Tea and crumpets and a chat :)
Niggle: I have explained the need for a bone scan as providing a baseline to determine what dosage of zolendronate I shall need. But that’s my assumption. What if the bone scan picks up some cancer cells in my bones already? See? The seeds of a huge source of anxiety and worry are there. I’m just not giving them what they need to grow. So do I want the results? Do I ask for them or wait for them to mention them at the next clinic 3 weeks away?
Niggle: I can’t think of much that could make compelling reading about constipation. Suffice to say, the problem resolved itself painfully and now I have the reverse problem. The problem for me is whether I should use my usual IBS medications. Which is better for my body: no movement or too much? Normal people would just get on with a healthy diet, high in fibre. Me, I’m struggling to get the calories on pap, which is about all I can tolerate at the moment.
Niggle: the booklets say mouth soreness will improve when treatment stops. I know EC interferes with the immune system and healing is slower. Am I condemned to months of ulcers, sore palate, raw gums (I bought the dinkiest baby’s toothbrush today) and so much pain I can only comfortably eat stuff like porridge, chicken soup, dunked Rich Tea biscuits and tasteless banana? AND my miracle toothpaste contains methylparabens. I know parabens are banished as they replicate oestrogen or something like that. Dammit!!!
Niggle: I forgot the advice to buy a hair net. I’m shedding white hair everywhere now. BC baldness approaches...fast.
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