89. ‘A change is gonna come’

I was going to call this ‘Feeling cheated’ but that’s too negative, I confess I’m feeling a bit negative but, like I decided early on, that’s not going to get me through. Well, I’m nearly through so here’s the last verse of one of my favourite Sam Cooke tracks :

There have been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change is gonna come, oh yes it will

I know he was writing about civil rights but it seems appropriate for now. So, rather than whinge about everything that’s wrong with me, here’s a list of changes I’m anticipating, solely in the order they spring to mind:
1. I will get back my own tongue so
2. I will stop lisping and producing vile foamy saliva so I’m reduced to acting like a tobacco chewer (ie spitting a lot).
3. I will be able to taste things rather than going by smell and either saltiness or sugariness. Hopefully I’ll want to eat better, though I think I’ve done a good job in the circumstances - it’s not easy eating when sometimes the food won’t go down because your muscles feel a bit numb. Bacon sandwich and Easter Egg top the list.

4. The numbness will wear off. Right now, it’s getting worse by the day despite not having had Paclitaxel for almost 3 weeks. I’m told it’s peripheral neuropathy (PN) which sounds grand but feels crap.
5. The roof of my mouth and my soft palate will not feel vaguely numb so I won’t have to pretend it’s not happening for fear of having a panic attack.
6. My feet and tips of toes will stop tingling
7. My fingertips will stop feeling numb. I’ll be able to manage buttons, put in my earrings and open things like the top of a water bottle.
8. My skin will not have numb patches. My skin will repair itself and not be so scarily thin and I’ll slather on factor 30 and get my pathetic tan again.
9. My insides won’t feel numb so I won’t have disasters like last Saturday’s spasm and
10. I’ll have more warning when I need to use the loo.
11. My eyelashes will come back. Right now I have three over my left eye and two thin patches over my right, with no lower lashes. Judicious use of eyeshadows, hiding behind glasses, mean I don’t feel as ghastly as I expected.

12. My eyebrows will return; maybe I’ll see a beautician because the spider legs that have resisted all chemo must be like superbugs, resistant to anything. They will need a neat trim at the least. However, I’m not complaining. I have only recently resorted to using eyebrow makeup and, with such wobbly hands and numb fingertips, my efforts are a bit amateurish.
13. Nasal hair will grow, I just pray it’s not in the same way as the hair on my head which, I’m warned may come back thick and curly. Then I will stop sniffing and stop having an almost permanently sore nose.
14. My buzzcut hair is already growing but not thickening, so my hair will regrow to its former silver glory (!).
14b written next day - how could I forget?? The much-despised but underrated pubic hair will regrow. I shall feel like and look a woman again and get no surprises when I have a pee. I didn’t know there were so many wrong directions it could take!
15. I will no longer experience burning pain at the slightest touch (part of the PN, I’m told). I folded the end of a plastic tube of toothpaste and just holding it felt like a knife had sliced my hand.
16. The wobbliness caused by the PN will go. I shan’t walk like a drunk, stumble and I shall be able to do gentle exercise to build up some stamina and some strength.

17. My friends will stop insisting on carrying my bag. Yes it weighs a ton but I feel naked without it.
18. All the soft tissue will repair itself. I won’t get my gums back to their former level but they will fill out and do a better job than right now.

19. My breast muscle will respond to the exercises I’m doing and the searing pain will go away.

20. I’ll get my prosthesis and some pretty bras and be able to wear my former wardrobe because

21. I’ll regain the lost weight, get myself back to a size 10 at least, preferably a 12.

22. I shan’t feel institutionalised, everything dependent on hospital appointments and friends available to offer me transport and their time and support.

23. I shall be able to read the mountain of books I‘ve accumulated and return to writing flash fiction AND I’ll be able to focus well enough to do some more online learning. I had to abandon Forensic Psychology as I just couldn’t concentrate for long.

24. I shall want to celebrate getting through all this crap.