102. It is no more

There isn’t, for me at least, a sadder sight than the remains of a Cadbury’s Easter Egg. Yes, I know it’s the end of June and it was probably close to its Best By date but I had my reasons. These last few days, I have derived great pleasure from eating chunks of chocolate broken off my giant egg. I use the term ‘chunks’ loosely because Cadbury’s obviously believes size is more impressive than quantity: the Giant egg is still giant but it’s considerably thinner each year. My chunks break off too easily and it’s impossible to hold the egg without a bit breaking off. But it’s academic. It’s now eaten, gone for good - and probably a good thing. Is it coincidence that I’ve spent the last 6 months without any experience of a bloated stomach (despite all my other symptoms) but I revert to the old discomfort within a day of scoffing a moderate amount of Cadbury’s milk chocolate? It’s something I’m happy to test out, since it means more chocolate-eating, and this is the right time - before my daily craving is re-established. Right now, I think it would be fairly easy to wave bye bye to my childhood love. Of course, there’s the backstop of Darkmilk which didn’t seem to have the same effect on me but I did only eat one or two squares as it’s quite rich for me.

I’m slowly improving. Energy to go about my daily life is back - I just have to get my head to catch up with my body. If Kiera hadn't texted yesterday to say when she was picking me up, I’d have forgotten completely that I was meeting her and Marilyn for cake. In fact, it was a sausage sandwich, fish finger sandwich and eggs benedict - but I brought a lemon slice home, very disappointing compared to the rich lemon cake they usually have. I do have a diary on my phone but it has a nasty habit of deleting one-off additions. You’re probably thinking I forget to press ‘save’ but I don’t. I check and it’s still there. Somewhere along the line, it disappears and I’ve no idea why.

I’m on Day 3 of a full dose of anastrozole although I’ve taken smaller doses through the week, building up acceptance of it. No sickness but I’m taking no risks: I take an anti-nausea cyclizine before it! I did have one hot flush and experienced the weirdest feeling of being stung by a swarm of benign insects (in other words, not painful, just uncomfortable), mostly down my arms and hands. Maybe the areas affected by the neuropathy felt it most. Nothing today though. It’s early days but I’m not looking for side effects. What will be will be.

I am still sulking over Dr D’s opinion and decision and I’ve left a message for T, the adjuvant oncology nurse, to ring me if she can. I plan to ask her about the symptoms without mentioning the doctor, or at least saving it till the end. However, the chances of her ringing back are low: I’m not under her immediate care any more and I’ve been replaced by too many similarly unlucky and frightened patients. Meantime, my upper lip is still swollen inside and it changes my whole appearance, as well as being a constant nuisance. It’s hard to describe but much of my upper lip is wrapped under my upper teeth. If I put my lips into their ‘normal position,’ I look like a failed Botox advertisement. By the time it shrinks back to normal, I’ll have a permanently elongated philtrum and baggy lips. When women are flocking for fillers, I’ll be asking someone to take it away! However, that’s of negligible importance to the clumsiness that is deterring me from driving. The injured rib pain is, I think, no longer a problem though it’s still there. The problem is whether my legs can be trusted on those pedals! I’m longing to drive but unwilling to take the risk till I know the exact cause and am confident I put no one at risk, myself included.

It’s Day 8 after radiotherapy finished. Days 10-14 are earmarked as the most vulnerable days but all I have is a slightly worse itch in the area above my scar. So far, so good. However, it’s really disheartening when you look on the breast cancer care forum and find people who are sailing through chemo with nary a side effect compared to what I experienced. Maybe someone feels the same about me and radiotherapy? Now I’ve started itching. Time for aloe vera.