96. How are you today?

I think I’ve heard those words almost every bloody day I’ve visited St James’s and often have found it hard to find an answer. I’m a very polite person but I’m also a very honest person. I’m aware that others don’t want details so I get stumped. Fine? OK? Struggling a bit? Only once have I said “Pissed off” and that was justified and was accompanied by a genuine smile and an explanation (and pissed off was a mild response that day).

Today I found myself saying, somewhat quizzically, “Good, actually.” It was a surprise to me. It must be the medication because, although I had rib pain, my overall mood felt... well, good, which is something I’m not used to. So I had my zaps. As usual, I felt like a light piece of fabric lay across my neck but the radiographer says the radiotherapy can’t be the cause of my persistently gruff voice (which isn’t even sexy like some people’s). It’s not imagined though - it has happened from the start ( a vague warmth and a vague weight over my larynx) and I assumed it was a beam because its timing matches the machine’s. How odd. Anyway, I managed to get off the bed with just one radiographer supporting the weight of my head for a few seconds, enough to reduce the strain on my sternum, so that’s a definite improvement. I went to get dressed and noticed some pinkness down my neck, the first reaction to radiotherapy that I’ve spotted. Once I got home and had had a late lunch, I went to sit in the garden and read. Ouch. A stabbing pain in my chest muscle (above where my noob is). Another ouch. A longer pain across the whole side, almost following a rib route and probably parallel to my scar. Heaven knows what it would be like without the medication. Agony?

So, Day 4 of 15 and I’m feeling stabbing and burning pains below the surface. It’s almost constant now but it’s bearable and I’ve applied some aloe vera to soothe it a bit. I feel incredibly sleepy but haven’t been able to sleep (it’s too late to indulge myself now or I’ll never sleep tonight). But how do I feel today now? Good but a bit uncomfortable thanks.

I wonder what difference it would have made had I not had my accident. The car is now taxed so it’s ready to drive. Prior to radiotherapy this afternoon, I would have felt confident I could drive for a short while. Now I know I need quite a few more days.