99b. The new me

Two rads (as they call them on the breast cancer care forum) to go and freedom lies beyond. Shall I ring that bell? So far, I‘ve got off lightly but I must be cautious in the next few weeks. I could end up covered in blisters and burns. I guess I’m cooking from the inside. To be honest, I don’t understand how it works but I do know it’s considered the best treatment. My muscles are sore and my voice gruff. I’m also more conscious of food settling halfway down my throat, especially dryish food like biscuits, cake...all the stuff I need to regain my weight.

So this is me in the rads changing room. It never occurred to me I could take a selfie! Maybe that’s to my credit?

This is called the Uncle Fester Look. I had no idea how big my ears are. I was about to photograph the post-rad effect but the camera didn’t pick up the redness on my neck and collarbone. Then it faded. I think it would be a bit much to put up a picture of my noob. It would feel like I was a flasher! My head looks shiny bald but it isn’t. I still have that halo of white hair barely visible, with a thicker white regrowth I can feel. I need to regain about a stone minimum. If I could do 2 stone it would be miraculous. But the only time I reached 9 stone was when I was on steroids! Weight gain won’t make me look less skinny - that’s how I’ve always been I’m afraid. But when I wasn’t thinking and realised I’d removed my jeans without undoing the button or zip, that was a surprise!

This is me as I’m presented to the real world. Part of me is resentful that I need to wear a wig to blend in but it has one advantage at least. It’s almost impermeable so I’m oblivious walking in the rain :) The draping scarf is to conceal an extremely flat chest. Even a sports bra is too restricting for my ribs and it all starts to ache. For once I’m grateful for small boobs. Maybe that’s why I’m not fazed by losing a breast? I just don’t like how the imbalance makes my jumpers hang badly. Then there’s the makeup. I’ve always worn it subtly but I use more and darker eyeshadow and am improving my brow technique. I’m regaining the same spots (thanks a lot) and losing the loyal eyelashes (gone) and eyebrows fast. Thank heaven for glasses.

 Not bad considering I’ve been thru chemo

I’ve read some good booklets from breast cancer care that I wish I’d had earlier. Tonight I’m starting the Anastrozole, the one the pharmacist warned me about. I’ve used the pill cutter and have a tiny bit (maybe less than a quarter), a slightly larger bit (maybe just over a quarter) and a third. I intended cutting into quarters but pill cutters are unpredictable. I’ll take a cyclizine but, considering the size of the dose, I’d be surprised at any effects.

Talking of effects: insomnia. I went to sleep at gone 6 this morning. I can’t sleep. Yet right now I’m retyping over rubbish, finding my eyes have closed and dropping off for a moment, Nope, definitely not fit to drive yet!