71. Dilemmas

1. I can taste chocolate. This is a major cause for celebration and will last till Tuesday when I resume the Paclitaxel. My dilemma is this: do I wait till Easter as planned, then just stare wistfully, maybe have the occasional sniff of my giant Cadbury’s egg and know that I’ll be able to enjoy it a month or two down the line

OR do I break a lifetime’s habit of disciplining myself to wait, open that egg now and enjoy it while I can? I have a tiny superstitious reservation my mum instilled in me. Like her, I never ever open a present before the right day, regardless of the temptation. She had a reason - she’d given her dad a birthday present before his birthday and he died before his birthday. The fact that he had a terminal illness wasn’t relevant in Mum’s mind - she felt she’d pushed luck too far. So it’s all completely illogical. It’s only chocolate...

It’s ONLY chocolate?!?!? When is Cadbury’s ever “only chocolate?”

2. They’ve changed my appointments at the last minute. I can’t find a companion/chauffeur for Tuesday without resorting to the two people who have probably done the most for me - and I think they deserve a break. Since I’ll have Lorazepam to hand, I’m pretty sure I could manage on my own (with Dennis to prop me up) and use a taxi, which counts as public transport and has been avoided for decades. Another first for me. But I suspect both friends will be a bit miffed with me for not asking them. Hell, I’m 67 and worried about upsetting friends! Of all the people on my long list, this is a week when almost everyone is away or tied up somehow. It had to happen.

3. No longer a dilemma - I went to the dentist yesterday and had a temporary filler to avoid getting a gum infection. The dentist was lovely and very understanding as her father has cancer. Though my gums won’t ‘grow’ back to their healthy level, they will regain their healthy bulk once the chemo stops - which is a huge relief.  Meantime, x-rays are clear, my teeth are fine (WHAT? My teeth are a disgrace to any mouth, like many a child of the 1950s) and I can stop worrying - till the next dilemma - do I have the Zolendrate treatment after chemo? Big dilemma given the potential but unlikely risk.