Part of me wants to skip with joy that chemo is over (well, the main programme - Zolendrate is yet to be discussed). Stage 3 of the BCT is radiotherapy and that lies a few weeks ahead. However, I know what I have to get through before getting this vile Paclitaxel out of my system and I’m not looking forward to it. The last couple of weeks have been hard and I’m pretty sure that, had I more therapy to go, I might well give up. If I was “running on depleted resources” a few weeks ago, I’d say I’m almost crawling now.
However, I have my steroid boost, this is the first night I haven’t felt anxious or sick and there’s book group tomorrow - for a book I haven’t managed to complete. Ok, I’m nearly up to p100 out of 400. I feel quite ashamed but honestly my mind can absorb maybe a sentence and then switches off. I’ve only read any quantity when sitting out in the sun and, sadly, we haven’t had that lately.
So let me focus: I HAVE COMPLETED MY CHEMOTHERAPY.
Quite an achievement for someone with my phobia and panic attacks (which I haven't had for the duration. Will they come back now??). Incidentally, I was well into treatment when I realised I hadn’t taken any lorazepam. Miraculous. I know my goal was to get down to 1 tablet by the last session but to not even think of the little blue helpers is remarkable. Sadly, I noticed I was experiencing strange physical sensations I don’t usually get and, with the Paclitaxel lying waiting, I gave in to my weak/pragmatic impulse and took 1.5. No problems after that and I’m glad I did it because the Paclitaxel effect didn’t even have the decency to wait till I got home - my breast muscle and sternum were on fire and my naproxen at home!! Tbh, if the week ahead is like last week, I want to be comatose for the duration. However, it’s different every time so maybe this week will be fine, next week even better....
And look how the day began:
Can’t get better than that with your porridge. Thank you, my wonderful girls :)
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