76. Contrasts

Yesterday I arranged to meet Maureen and enjoyed (actually could taste) lemon and lime drizzle cake and hot chocolate. It’s always nice to be in her company and luckily she was free - so I avoided a lot of the build up to Paclitaxel Day 3, which unfailingly is utter shit.

I also contacted the two people whose cars I damaged to ask if they’d taken any photos for insurance purposes and got an immediate response from Helen, the woman whose car was a write off, who’s already loving her new car. She wrote such heartwarming things, it really does revive one’s belief in the innate kindness of most people, so overlooked right now because of our obsession with Leave/Remain which personally I think has done considerable harm to our outlook on the world and people in general. I haven’t yet looked at the photos but I know it’s important to me that I do. I will.

Then Richard from Hepworth’s rang - they’d found two suitable replacements for my car. As I’m in no position to drive, I’m trusting their judgment but it’s ironic that I’m buying a newer identical car - with more than triple the mileage on my poor concertina!

I spent much of the afternoon sitting in the sunshine, wrapped up against the breeze, reading and watching some pheasants in the field. There was definitely some vying for attention going on, with the one male and two females but I’ve no idea who won as they were identical to my untrained eye. It was sad to know that this will be the last time - next year there will either be several houses on that spot or a hell of a mess.

On top of that, my heated pad (? More a tiny blanket, recommended by the nurse last week) arrived and alleviated my general back ache quite considerably.

All good so far. Then late last night, I sat up very carefully (my ribs are so painful right now and of course the doctor didn’t get back to me, though the hospital did to see how I was getting on) and something pinged in my neck. I remember in A&E the doctor pressing each cervical vertebra to check for injury and I was fine - no whiplash - but this was like a nerve getting trapped.

So, in contrast, today I’m still in my pjs, despite the glorious Spring sunshine out there, trying not to move my spine, neck or chest (not easy), not settling to anything and sleeping a lot. This is a definite Bad Chemo Day with Paclitaxel working its evil way through my nervous system. My lips and fingers are almost completely numb, the trout pout is more on the scale of a dolphin or whale (yes, I’m exaggerating but it’s not a nice look) but the intensity of the pain is not easy.

I’m hoping things will start to ease by tomorrow so, by Monday, I’ll be fit and ready for Tuesday’s chemotherapy. The penultimate session. The encouraging thing is that the intensity of the numbness comes and goes so it makes me think it’s something I’ll recover from quite quickly, despite being warned it could take months or years for the nerve damage to repair. It better - I still have those three little dresses and cardigans to knit from that nightmare of a pattern!