I doubt the wisdom of writing this, with all my good intentions of staying positive and avoiding the pity party. I’m not that strong! But this blog is meant to be therapeutic for me so, if I don’t find it therapeutic, why keep it? I shall try to just keep this in draft, for my eyes only. I can barely hold a pencil so this is my outlet - 2 finger dabbing at keys and a lot of autocorrect.
This is cycle 2 of 3, Day 7, and it’s worse than last time. Maybe it was adding the zolendronate to the mix? Too much going on to cope with.
I was genuinely scared this morning. I’d barely slept. Michael in various forms failed to reach the parts that need reaching. I lay in a stupor from my first pee at 6.30. I know i’m Ok while i can still get myself to the loo but there were moments when i could quite easily have wet the bed. I’m still choosing to get to the loo, so I’m still in control.
Scared? I felt like i was almost buried alive. I could barely sip water through the straw, let alone swallow it. I know i’m dehydrated and that’s part of the problem. I felt nauseous. How to get down an anti-sickness pill when i was too afraid to put even tasteless banana in my mouth? I just lay there, stupefied, utterly miserable and unable to make a simple decision. Add anxiety and fear to that mix and i can safely describe it as my idea of hell.
Den came in at 10. I waved him away. Couldn’t even speak. Just grunted and gestured. I could tell he was anxious but i couldn’t care. First i drank more water and took a 3mm bite of bananyuk to get the cyclizine down. More water. Give it time to work. Then same again with a diazepam before panic took over. Then loo. Then a cup of tea and a rich tea biscuit. Then my abdominal cramps were so bad, back to the loo and the decision to stay all day if i had to.
Meantime, D changed the bed (if only i could laugh - this is a domestic task that defeats him. Not just the duvet cover - he stands on the mattress to fit a fitted sheet. Surreal logic) and i had a minor bowel movement, enough to relieve the pain and sickening feeling. I reeked. When did i last shower???? So i sat in the shower, washed my stubble, creamed my scar, massaged the right places. Beginning to lose pubic hair now. Why not leg hair, stuff you want rid of anyway?? I gather loss of pubic hair can present mini-practical problems but I’ll cross that bridge when I meet it. Just please please please save my eyelashes. Please.
I feel a bit better for being clean and having done some stretches. Basically it’s like my whole body is coming out of local anaesthetic. That horrid warm, thick numbness. I had to touch my skin to make sure I was here. Even the tips of my ears were affected. And - the major problem - it felt the same inside my mouth. That’s phobia territory. No wonder I felt so frightened.
So now I’m back in bad, completely worn out by the shower. I’ve drunk varying amounts of 3 mugs of tea and managed 2 rich teas and it’s half past 2. Guessing no Sunday roast then. I need another pee and some mouthwash. Maybe tea, even decaf, isn’t such a great idea but you can only dunk in hot tea. I know I should make more constructive plans to keep my head busy, away from I-could-still-be-sick thoughts.
Last time, I picked up day 11. Great. Only 4 more days of checking my nose still belongs to me.
And it’s not helpful thinking things like ‘maybe i could die now.’ Ive no intentions of dying. Just wish I wasn’t here for now.
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