40. Things to look forward to...

The last couple of days have been vile. I’ve no idea how much longer it will last or if it will be like last time, fluctuating between ok and total fatigue, so I’ve been thinking about things I might be able to look forward to:

1. No more EC treatments so
2. No more chemo-troughs where I’m not sure if I’m awake, alive, in my own body.
3. Maybe my mouth will improve and my saliva will return to normal. That means not only a nice soothing coating of mucus on my gums and cheeks but maybe a return of my own tongue, one that fits, one with tastebuds that can detect more accurately and not make me feel my mouth is filled with slime. This foaming saliva is a real appetite-killer. It would be nice not to have this numbness in my mouth too - a bit triggering to be honest.
4. I long to be able to enjoy bread, toast, biscuits again - just simple little things. It’s not asking much is it? Currently porridge and rice crispies are haute cuisine for me. There isn’t even something really simple I can use to get tablets down (water doesn’t work) so I’m really struggling, particularly at night.
5. The energy to ... well, just some energy please. Just to get me further than the bathroom. The sky was blue today, the sun shining - I couldn’t do any more than look out of the window.
6. A little bit of weight. Ok, quite a bit of weight please. Maybe I could get out for a short walk, some fresh air, eventually some exercise to rebuild my wasting muscles. May I have my bum and thighs back please?
7. Of course the biggest thing to look forward to is the appointment I was sent today: 10 January 2022. Seriously.

This presupposes that the weekly treatment I move onto is better tolerated by my brain and body. The side effects listed don’t seem to be markedly different from the EC side effects, except hair loss is inevitable (I’m still holding on to my stubble) and there’s a possibility of numb hands and feet. But the prospect of remaining like this for a further threee months doesn’t bear thinking about. I’m going to my next oncology appointment armed with questions this time. There’s only so much time I can stay with my head buried in the sand. It’s served me well and got me through so far but maybe it’s time to face a few facts. The problem is, no one knows the facts - everyone responds differently. Look at me - I’ve responded differently three times to virtually the same treatment.